Barack - A Fairy Tale
by Kari Berele
Once upon a time a young boy named Barry was born into a garden paradise. Raised briefly by his father, a goat herder from Africa, and his mother, he got his worldview from his travels “growing up in different places with people who had differing ideas.”Embarrassed by his unique family, Barry fibbed that his father was a prince, his grandfather a chief, and his family name meant "burning spear." Barry struggled to find himself during these years until he finally settled on pursuing his dream to be the leader of The Great Country.
Once of age, Barry entered what is known as The Mysterious College Years of Columbia and Harvard with the help of government loans and a gift from a magical Saudi Arabian purse. Pharmaceutical pursuits erased any memories of this time, and every copy of his thesis paper disappeared; some say it was even nuked. During The Mysterious College Years, Barry traveled to Pakistan for a three-week trip with Mohammed Chandoo and Wahid Hamid, and shortly after the journey, changed his name to Barack.
Also, during The Mysterious Years, Barack met and married Michelle, known as The One Who Mopes. For all her life she had seen the world as a mean place; she was embittered; she felt rejection; and she hung her head in shame until Barack offered her hope. Now, through therapy and the joy of finding “the One,” she has nearly recovered.
After The Mysterious College Years ended, Barack moved to Chicago—known as The Land of Political Opportunism. While there, he spent many days in the WOODS and visited many communities, planting ACORNS and watching them grow into huge trees. The massive branches soon spread into 12 states, bearing all kind of nuts—more than anyone expected and making it impossible to get an accurate count. Soon Barack wanted more and began to seek help in pursuing his goal of becoming the leader of The Great Country.
No one knows where and how Barrack learned to make friends, but this skill has not gone unnoticed. Barack’s mentor, the Prophet Jeremiah of the Land of Trinity, skillfully hid his hatred of The Great Country from him for the entire twenty years that Barack sat under his tutelage. Hannity the Fox revealed Jeremiah’s words, shocking Barack and prompting him to say, “That’s not the Jeremiah I knew.” Realizing that the expedient associations he made in the Land of Trinity were now placing his dream in jeopardy, Barack reluctantly put the prophet under the Bus of Regret, promising to pardon him later at a more convenient time. Once Prophet Jeremiah’s great sin was revealed to the world and his punishment arranged, some of Barack’s other friends objected and came to the Prophet’s defense, only to be thrown under the same Bus as the Prophet.
During his time in the WOODS of Chicago, Barack met a person in his neighborhood who wished to help him reach his dream. Barack traveled past the Land of Resko to the House of Ayers to meet The Professor. There The Professor helped to light a fuse for Barack’s political career, launching him to the Illinois State Senate where Barack exploded onto the political scene.
The Professor, well known in government circles, originally made his mark on society when the young Barry was only eight years old, making it impossible for Barack to join him in his pursuit to change The Great Country one building at a time. However, all was not lost. They were both able to play together in the WOODS for 4 years, planting ACORNS and educating children on how to change the world from the inside out. Once they reached this goal, they hoped that The Great Country would never look the same.
Barack continued to make speeches that attracted the Easily Fooled and Uninformed, an odd people group dispersed across the land that cannot identify The Great Country on a map. Thousands gathered to hear him speak about Change; they cheered as he blew his nose, and they fainted as he looked skyward rolling words off his golden tongue. Lady O of Chicago even cried off her eyelashes causing more weight loss than she ever saw during the 20 year battle, known as the War of Weight. Celebrities, weary of the reign of George the II, spoke in aphrodisiacal phrases about Barack, knowing their futures were secure in the Land of Make Believe. The News Whisperers groveled at the feet of Barack, many compromising their careers in order to be identified as one of his devotees.
As Barack moved ever closer to his dream of becoming a great leader, even the economy of The Great Country bowed before him, sinking to its knees in a desperate attempt to usher in the winds of change and hail him as King. During this time, while the Kitchen Table Dwellers gathered together for family time to talk about revolt, death, depression, and suicide, Barack’s fundraising continued to flourish, reaching over 400 million dollars reportedly attributed to $50 a month donations from . . . the Kitchen Table Dwellers. In deep humility, larger donors known as Bundlers, chose to remain anonymous, keeping their donations and foreign ties a secret so that the Kitchen Table Dwellers would get all the credit for supporting Barack.
Barack is not without his enemies, however. The Minister of Photo Ops, Jesse Jackson, threatened to excise a private stash of acorns belonging to Barack. The Minister’s words, revealed by the Irish Fox, caused The Minister of Photo Ops to voluntarily throw himself under the Bus of Regret, thus increasing the size of the crowd beneath the bus (and prompting Barack to inflate the tires to make more room). Hillary, The Wearer of Pantsuits, and her husband, The Hoary-Headed One, tried to bring down Barack under the weight of her cankles and with the help of The Satirists of Saturday Night, but to no avail. The Great Elephant Herd, normally a formidable group of beasts, and its leaders The Ancient One and The Lady of Moose, said mean things about him, but missed the opportunity to warn the Easily Fooled and Uninformed before they drank the Elixir of Grape, a magical potion that makes you believe everything you hear. Even the bearer of the Golden Microphone with talent on loan from God and using the hand normally tied behind his back battled mightily against the power of the Elixir of Grape.
Barack Hussein Obama, commonly known as The Messiah, moved closer to becoming the great leader. Through the help of foreign governments, Weathermen, Muslim leaders, Hamas, typical white women, The Easily Fooled, The News Whisperers, cloned ACORN seedlings, and the entire Dallas Cowboy offensive line, Barack was only three weeks away from making the White House his new home, when the Kitchen Table Dwellers rose up, stirring the Herd of Elephants and inciting The Ancient One to act. They began fighting The News Whisperers and using the power of The Tube and the Great Screen of Messaging to question the story behind Barack, The Messiah. Even The Wearer of Pantsuits and the Hoary-Headed One went undercover during the last weeks. With Barack’s threat to free The Bus of Regret inhabitants and to exile the Great Herd of Elephants to Alaska, the fighting became fierce, demanding, and ruthless. Even Those of No Decision, who had been pursued unceasingly, hid from the melee wishing that it would pass.
The final chapter has not yet been written.