Posted by
Kari Berele on Saturday, February 07, 2009 2:37:16 PM
The Associated Press is working overtime again to produce sharp analysis and riveting reporting. Don’t believe me? Well…Do I have a quote for you!
In an article headlined “598,000 in U.S. Lose Jobs in January,” the AP states that the unemployment rate was 7.6% last month. So far, so good, right? But as if 7.6% weren’t bad enough, those geniuses at the AP decided to do a little math:
“If part-time employees, discouraged workers, and others are factored in, the unemployment rate would have been 13.9 percent in January, the highest on record.”
Ahem . . . discouraged workers? others? Wow! The specificity in this quote is quite breathtaking.
Let’s deal with the “discouraged worker” first. Are you discouraged in your job? Then stop it, you fool! You are raising the unemployment figures! Here’s my advice: take a Valium, suck it up, see a counselor, and show up at work with a smile on your face. I know it may be difficult, but you can do it. I plan to march into my 7th grade classroom on Monday with a smile on my face (a Valium on standby) and teach grammar to students who could care less what a subordinate clause is. I refuse to be discouraged and become a statistic—besides, Obama might get mad at me (he’s been a little miffed lately.)
Now, let’s deal with the best part of the quote – “others.” What a handy word to have at your disposal. Whenever your news is not frightening enough, add in some nondescript group (commonly referred to as "others") and increase your statistic by several percentage points. Since vagueness so sweetly lends itself to a hearty round of conjecture, let’s speculate a little bit about this versatile and mysterious group known as "others."
Others could be Obama’s cabinet post nominees who are now looking for work (especially since H & R Block turned them down.)
Others could be Jesse Jackson and company who find protesting passé nowadays.
Others could be angry celebrities who suddenly have no anti-George Bush movies to make.
Others could be reporters who write stupid remarks about unemployment.
It’s a shame that so many newspapers are going under today. What will I find to blog about?
Who knows, I may become just another “other.”